Talking with our partner about difficult subject can be super uncomfortable.
But, not talking about them can do more damage to your relationship than just having the discussion.
Use these tips for talking about any subject - money, sex, kinks, feelings, parenting styles, household chores, etc.
1) Have a set time to discuss the topic. And clue your partner in so they can come prepared for the discussion. An example: "Hey, I'd really like to talk about our finances this weekend. Can we plan a time that we can both sit down and look things over?"
2) Have an open mind and listen carefully. Their thoughts/beliefs/feelings are not a dig toward yours. This is simply a conversation to get on the same page.
3) Avoid alcohol when having difficult discussions. Yes, it can seem like a good idea, but it can very quickly turn into something else.
4) Be mindful of whether the conversation is getting off topic or emotions are becoming too elevated. If they do, simply take a break and come back to it later. Example of how to do this: "I think we're getting off topic. Maybe we should table this for now and talk about it again tomorrow." or "I think we're both getting too emotional about this - how about we take a break and gather our thoughts and talk about it again next week?"
5) Remember you're a team - this isn't about you vs them, it's about you both vs the topic. Getting on the same page is key to successful teamwork.
Need some additional help on how to start these conversations? Set up a 30-min chat with me and I'll help you out.
I have a friend - let's call her, "A" - who recently started an OnlyFans page simply for fun. We sat down last week to discuss how it's going for her and why she finds it so fun and empowering .... here's some things we discussed*:
"A" isn't in a relationship right now, and doesn't really feel like she has the time to be dating, but she does miss the connection and attention. She doesn't have the desire to be on the dating apps - who can blame her? - and doesn't necessarily want to meet up with anyone right now. So, she decided to try an OF page and see what happened.
Here's what she's found after a few months of posting half-naked photos of herself online for people to buy:
All of this makes sense, if you think about it. "A" is getting in touch with her own sexual side in a way that makes her feel empowered, confident, safe, and beautiful. She's learning to love her body more and more each day and find fulfilment in taking photos of herself - the compliments and payments from men are just bonuses, she says.
Will she continue this if she gets into a relationship? She's unsure at the moment, but can also see how it can benefit a relationship in the future. (To be covered in a different post ...)
Curious about sex work and how it may help you with confidence? Book a 30-min voxer chat with me and let's discuss!
*Published with "A"s permission.
Ya'll know I love words and definitions - my undergraduate degree was in English ....
So let's talk about the difference between a kink and a turn on ....
And keep in mind, this explanation is simply *my* personal view on these words - you may define them differently, and that's OK!
Turn-on: Something that gets the juices flowing. This could include physical acts (things like being kissed on the neck) or physical attributes (men with facial hair or strong arms) or actions (you find it hot when your man swings an axe).
Kink: "unconventional sexual taste or behavior" - per Webster's dictionary. We used the examples before of: BDSM, hair-pulling, hand on the throat, men in uniform.
Keep In mind - "unconventional" Is really a relative term... something unconventional for you may not be to someone else. Meaning, what you may find kinky, someone else may classify as a turn-on.
It can be really quite confusing if you're trying to really separate the two terms; here's how I would differentiate between them ... a turn-on can happen anywhere, while a kink would be something you want to incorporate into the bedroom.
What are your thoughts? Feel free to drop them anonymously here, or leave a comment!
Let's be real - I fucking hate labels. A lot of the time they just don't quite FIT what's actually going on.
But since we're throwing around terms, I wanted to give a general overview of what these terms mean. And remind you to really make your relationship what you & your partner want it to be. You don't have to label it if you don't find something that fits exactly right. Additionally, you may have a slightly different way to define these things for yourself and your relationships - that's ok, too!
Monogamy: committed to one individual. These are the societally accepted standard marriages, couples, and relationships.
Open relationship: A relationship where the individuals involved have some degree of freedom to love/sleep with people outside the relationship. Individuals may not know of every sexual encounter their partner's have. These may be couples who don't want to split up, but also may not be sexually satisfied within the relationship and have decided to allow each other to openly seek out others to fulfil those needs.
Non-monogamy: relationships with multiple people - often not disclosed to all parties; non-exclusivity/non-commitment within a relationship; dating/sleeping around
Ethical non-monogamy: relationships with multiple people in which everyone is aware of each other and in agreement of the style of relationship. Not all individuals may know everyone involved personally, but everyone knows everyone else exists. (Kind of like knowing the names of your partners' coworkers - you may not know them personally, but you know a lot about them from what they tell you.)
Polyamorous: Multiple committed relationships - often living together and having a level of domesticity; includes group marriage; often these relationships are closed to any other individuals (ie. they are non-monogamous with each other, but not with anyone else). These relationships often have a lot of non-sexual interactions - having dinner together, living together, going on dates together, etc., in addition to the sexual component.
Again - this is just an overview - feel free to discuss some of these options with your partner and come up with your own plan!
*Some of these definitions were adapted from the book The Ethical Slut, by Janet W. Hardy and Dossie Easton.
First off, there is no "convincing" anyone to do something they don't want to do ... that's called manipulation and leads to abuse.
However, if you're really interested in something and your partner doesn't seem as interested, there are ways to move in the direction of exploration.
1) Once you introduce a desire, allow some time for your partner to digest it Discussions about sexuality and desires should be revisited often. Tastes change; people get more curious. Revisit the discussion often - but not in a pushy way - we never want our partner to feel bullied into doing something they don't want to do.
2) Really get clear on why you want your partner to do this thing - perhaps it's something you'd like to try, but don't need. Perhaps it's intriguing to you. Perhaps it IS something you need to feel fulfilled. These are all very important to know as they start to shape your limits and boundaries on your sexuality.
3) Consider that this just may not be something your partner is willing and able to do. Can you be OK with that? If not, there's a deeper discussion that needs to happen about the relationship. Not everyone is for everyone.
If you're having trouble knowing how to share your desires with your partner or your partner wants to try something and you're hesitant & need some guidance, set up a 30-min kink talk chat with me over Voxer and let's get to it!
I get this question a lot ... and yes, it's probably exactly what you think it is.
Monogamy = relationship between 2 people
non-monogamy = relationship with many people
ethical non-monogamy = relationships with many people and EVERYONE knows & agrees upon those relationships
Majority of us have been in monogamous relationships where the other person wasn't monogamous - ie, they were seeing or having sex with someone else without our knowledge (most of us call that cheating).
In an ethically non-monogamous relationship: ALL individuals involved know about each other and agree to see each other.
Now, remember: Relationships are a constant negotiation. There should be ongoing discussions to make sure everyone's needs are being met and desires are being fulfilled and relationship agreements reviewed and adjusted if necessary.
Need help in this? Set up a 30 min Kink Talk call & we let's chat about it!!
What's the difference between kinks and fetishes?
Per Webster's dictionary, kink is "unconventional sexual taste or behavior."
Which means, what's kinky for one may not be kinky for another. And kinks are just another way for us to expand on our sexual preferences.
Some examples of more mainstream/well-known kinks:
Fetish comes about when the feeling toward a kink is more intense and necessary for sexual gratification/satisfaction. Per our friend Webster: "an object or bodily part whose real or fantasied presence is psychologically necessary for sexual gratification and that is an object of fixation to the extent that it may interfere with complete sexual expression."
Fetishes typically become a huge part of one's sexual identity because it's integral for their sexual satisfaction.
Common fetishes include:
Keep in mind, everything is a spectrum - you may explore a kink that evolves into a fetish. Kinks and fetishes are absolutely normal and there's nothing wrong with you - as long as you're not committing crimes to fulfil that fetish.
If you're feeling distressed over your specific turn-ons or having trouble maintaining a healthy relationship, I invite you to set up a free 15-min call with me to discuss how I may be able to help!